“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.