[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.