[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
You Might Also Like
*puts cutlery down*
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.