Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
We need to put an American base on the sun
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.