I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
⛄️
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
BETRAYAL
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*