Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.