Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.