I remember when things only cost an arm.
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Breaking news:
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers