If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too