sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.