Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
He’s cranky this morning
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I need to update my racial profile.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.