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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
But I really needed water water water
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.