[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it