At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*