it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
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The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Still my favourite meme.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today