There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
The future is now.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver