If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people