I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Very good! 👍😂
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Can. I. Help. You.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.