My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Does beer think about me too?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?