If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake