Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please