You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok