Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better