You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.