My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
what day is it?
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Twitter fine art
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.