Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
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Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?