‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on