Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this