After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet