[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.