Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Not😆🤣
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”