Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen