When you don’t understand how floors work
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[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
my professor scared me for a second
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
those birds must be on payroll
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*