I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
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You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.