People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
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me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE