‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
lol
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc