Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
nobody’s gonna understand
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
cyclists