I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever