The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬