What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.