*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.