Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.