My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
#StillHurts