My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
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if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”