My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
dads on road-trips be like
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.