Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.