the only bumper sticker ill allow
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?