luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
LOL!
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.