i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative