im 7 sauces long
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”